Jokes - about all

Australia · Added: 28 Sep 2007 06:05 Post subject: Jokes - about all

What's got 2 legs and bleeds?
- Half a cat!

Added: 03 Nov 2007 22:57 Post subject: Jokes - about all

Senate Slander

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK, " he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
_________________
"Better is the enemy of good" - Italian proverb
"The end of the cold war is the end of history" - Francis Fukuyama
"Murphy was an optimist, and I'm an eternal optimist"

Added: 03 Nov 2007 22:58 Post subject: Jokes - about all

The Blonde and Her Melons

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.

The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?#039;'

''Melons, '' the blonde replies.

''Cool, " the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?#039;'

The blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''
_________________
"Better is the enemy of good" - Italian proverb
"The end of the cold war is the end of history" - Francis Fukuyama
"Murphy was an optimist, and I'm an eternal optimist"

Added: 03 Nov 2007 22:59 Post subject: Jokes - about all

Twist again

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?#039; he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?#039;

'Yeah, ' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
_________________
"Better is the enemy of good" - Italian proverb
"The end of the cold war is the end of history" - Francis Fukuyama
"Murphy was an optimist, and I'm an eternal optimist"

Added: 03 Nov 2007 22:59 Post subject: Jokes - about all

Screw if you could

An affluent couple gets into an argument over dinner.

"If you could cook, " said the husband, "we could fire the chef."

"If you could screw, " replied the wife, "we could fire the driver."
_________________
"Better is the enemy of good" - Italian proverb
"The end of the cold war is the end of history" - Francis Fukuyama
"Murphy was an optimist, and I'm an eternal optimist"

Added: 03 Nov 2007 23:00 Post subject: Jokes - about all

Confessions Of Sodom

One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor if he would cover his Confession shift for him -- he said it was easy, since he had a sin list inside the booth which listed both sins and penance. The janitor agreed and took the booth early on Sunday morning. Soon people showed up.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."

"Adultery, eh?" the janitor said. "You sly devil. That'll be three Hail Mary's, plus five bucks."

"Thank you, Father." Another person came into the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have embezzled money from work."
"Embezzlement, eh? Naughty, naughty. That'll be 5 Hail Mary's, plus fourteen bucks."
"Thank you, Father." This was easy, the janitor thought. Another person came into the booth.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed the sin of oral sex."
"Oral sex, huh?" He looked at the list, but didn't see butt-sex there. So, he excused himelf to look for help. He found an alter boy hanging out on the steps of the church.
"Excuse me, " the janitor said. "What does Father Matthew give for oral sex?"
"Well, " said the boy, "usually just milk and cookies, but sometimes a Snickers."
_________________
"Better is the enemy of good" - Italian proverb
"The end of the cold war is the end of history" - Francis Fukuyama
"Murphy was an optimist, and I'm an eternal optimist"

Added: 03 Nov 2007 23:01 Post subject: Jokes - about all

POOF

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now, '' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?#039;' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?#039;' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''
_________________
"Better is the enemy of good" - Italian proverb
"The end of the cold war is the end of history" - Francis Fukuyama
"Murphy was an optimist, and I'm an eternal optimist"

Added: 03 Nov 2007 23:01 Post subject: Jokes - about all

Huge Pause

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I want a bourbon and............... coke”

The bartender asks “what’s with the huge pause?”

The bear says, “I’ve had them all my life.”
_________________
"Better is the enemy of good" - Italian proverb
"The end of the cold war is the end of history" - Francis Fukuyama
"Murphy was an optimist, and I'm an eternal optimist"

Added: 03 Nov 2007 23:02 Post subject: Jokes - about all

Moms and Their Snooping

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that, " says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that, " says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"
_________________
"Better is the enemy of good" - Italian proverb
"The end of the cold war is the end of history" - Francis Fukuyama
"Murphy was an optimist, and I'm an eternal optimist"

Added: 03 Nov 2007 23:03 Post subject: Jokes - about all

An Old Fart

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice, " she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
_________________
"Better is the enemy of good" - Italian proverb
"The end of the cold war is the end of history" - Francis Fukuyama
"Murphy was an optimist, and I'm an eternal optimist"